The Inner Critic
Just as my head starts to pop up out of this drowning pool. I hold my breath, still afraid of what might come to the surface. Better to stay in my ocean of worry. It’s safer down there where the water spilling out of my eyes goes unseen. Voices in my head saying, “Better not show yourself yet. You’re not perfect, far from it in fact. Not the best in the room? Hell, you must be awful”. Does this sound familiar?
The “inner perfectionist, the inner critic”, is something many of us, if not all of us, struggle with at some point in our lives. I have found that combining Yoga and working with the Creative process has helped me become more aware of these thoughts and feelings. Through my experience of opening my body in my Yoga practice and surrendering to the feelings that arise, I have started to see a profound shift. The creative process is another great way to explore this and become more open, which is why I have started combining the two in my practice and teaching.
Creative Expression
I often needed to be woken up by external forces to express myself fully with the permission of others or a trigger that was too heavy to bear. Feelings would often swirl around in my stomach, but I dared not live fully, often distracting myself with constant movement and pointless procrastination. In worse cases, this even resulted in a long battle with addiction.
Nervousness
A nervousness in my heart often caused a weighty heaviness behind my eyes as I held on to my face for dear life. I dared not reveal this unpredictable, uncontrollable being at times. I feared that I was stupid or simply hated by those around me. When I would speak, they would laugh or dumb me down. It must be something I’m putting out there, energetically, perhaps? I would constantly ask these questions. Always believing it was my issue, not theirs. An irrational fear? But then how do we know what others are really thinking? These voices have often consumed me. However, I have found more freedom and self-acceptance by doing the work.
Lies Told In Schools
While growing up, many of us took on the opinions of others. Opinions, NOT facts that were not necessarily correct or helpful. They certainly did not inspire growth or generate confidence. Unfortunately, this is very common in the education system and in society as a whole. We are constantly told we are wrong, told to expect more from ourselves. This often feeds our inner perfectionist until it becomes a prominent part of our being, deeply engrained in our psyche.
I vividly remember one parent’s evening in particular. My mum came home furious because my teacher told her I was a closed book. A little mouse. Shy and aloof with nothing inside. That couldn’t have been a bigger lie. I just hated School. I felt sick all day long with social anxiety.
I stood alone every play time, deep in a daydream by the tall grey playground fence. It felt like a prison. Silently I would watch the other kids play, waiting for someone to ask me to join in. For fear of rejection I dared not move from my safe loneliness. It might not have shown on the outside, but I was so full inside. Numb with hurt, love and insecurity. A deep passion for life trapped in the cage of my overprotective body. This is how I often felt creatively. Locked inside my sweet body. Through movement and speaking my truth, I have managed to start to break free from my inner perfectionist, she no longer consumes me as much as she used to, but like anything, this is a lifelong journey rather than an overnight fix. It really does take prolonged courage, vulnerability, self love and self acceptance in order to experience a real breakthrough.
Productive Not Perfect
I have always been creative but not in a necessarily productive way. The kind of creativity rides the waves while fearing the currents that pull me into the unknown. The unknown excites me but terrifies me deeply. My inner critic has held me back more times than I can count. However, it doesn’t have to be this way. There is a way to overcome the inner voice that tries to keep us safe yet holds us back from reaching our true potential. By overcoming fear and diving deep into the unknown, magic happens. As we become more authentic, we learn to be more compassionate towards others and ourselves.
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